I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
