rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
