My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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