I have demons in me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
