So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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