I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize