If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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