i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
