hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
