today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
