You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
