Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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