We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Damn victory sex feels great
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
