I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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