It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
