you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I looked at my own cervix.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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