Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
