I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
