You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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