Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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