I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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