I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
