I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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