apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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