and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
