After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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