Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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