i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This baby is an asshole
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
