Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
