Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
