I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
