I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
