$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
