so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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