Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
