happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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