i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
