If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
