take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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