I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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