So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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