yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
