i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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