thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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