yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize