I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
