I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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