Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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