She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
