My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
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can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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