I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
