You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Randomize
