Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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