The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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