Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
