how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
