genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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