I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
