when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
