The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
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I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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